Senseless Mumblings

Thoughts from nowhere

I am a strong woman, I know I am stronger than most people I meet, I live in a different place, that place is not so much in my head but in my heart.

I also know that my story tells of a terribly dark place,as if that is how it always was, but that is not a fact, the fact is that yes I ended up on my knees, my world crashing around me, not physically  but  emotionally maybe spiritually.  This crash was necessary for me to enter the second half of my life. 

I spent the first half of my life learning about the world, building my character, personality, finding out what I like and what I don’t (or not), hearing other people, society telling me what is right and what is wrong. 

Because of the way I am built I tried so hard to fit with the world that was shown to me, but actually leading a double life, that which I presented to the world and that which I conducted in secret.  The reason I had to try to fit in is because I learnt very early in my life that this world did not accept me for what I was, that is not a story that is fact. 

Not having the strength to be myself among this disapproval I decided to conform. 

This is not sustainable forever if one is to reach truth of life. 

I crash, it takes me over 40 years, but finally the spirit has enough of the ego.  I had two options, surrender or die and I didn't come here to die without experiencing the best this place has to offer.  Ego crushed, humility is new, and the discipline is very different.  Having led two lives for so long I am well used to discipline, another term for that type of discipline is being a practiced liar, lying to myself. 

Today life is not about being disciplined to know which mask to put on in which situation and forcing myself to do things I do not want to do, this discipline is about being still, being quiet, observing the behaviour that is deeply ingrained and letting it go.  Allowing and accepting others to be who they are, loving the world and all in it, forgiveness.